I’m supposed to be doing homework but my mind wanders.
I’m really scared of the future. I hate that you can never tell what is going to happen to you. I think the future is scarier than death. Death is predictable. You know it’s going to happen. But what happens between now and death is completely different. I’m scared that I’m going to fail in the future. I’m scared of college acceptances in the future (yeah go ahead and laugh but I am). I’m scared of SAT’s, numerous tests, and the list goes on and on. I wish you could see the future so you can prepare yourself for it but I guess that’s just how the future works. It just smacks you in the face with a problem and you either figure it out or get screwed over and learn from it. But I hate how that works because I don’t like messing up. I want to succeed in everything I do. I want to be successful in the future. I want to have a bright future where I’ll be happy, content, and fulfilled. But I’m not even sure if that’s going to happen. I always feel like what I do now is going to affect my future but that’s not necessarily the case at times. I could get the best grades, get the best SAT score, get into the best college and still have an unsuccessful future. And even if I do have a successful future, I want to be happy. Even if I have everything in the world, it wouldn’t mean anything if I weren’t happy (as clichéd as it sounds). I’ve always said my plan B in life would to become a Santa Barbara beach hobo but seriously if that’s how it turns out I really don’t care. If I’m a happy hobo, I’ll accept it. I don’t know what my future holds and it scares me. I guess I’ll have to take what God has planned for me. Although I’m not at a very good point with God right now I still believe that he has something planned for me. But what? I need to know. Ugh.